2022 Reflections

As I’m writing this we are just 10 days away from the end of the year. Wild how that kind of just sneaks up on us, huh?

This past month I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection. I feel a bit like I’m at a crossroads in most areas of my life. I also feel like it’s a bit selfish to complain or be super critical of myself but I can’t help it I suppose. 

This year was a great year I can’t deny that. I should probably start with all the positive stuff before shifting the lens and dissecting myself. 

I really dived into being a “content creator” or whatever this year. I saw growth on my Instagram, I got affiliate on Twitch, and I finally hit that 100 sub mark on YouTube lol. All of this growth brought opportunities to start working with companies which has been a great and exciting experience overall.

I also launched some new projects including this blog (finally lol) and a podcast I co-host with my internet bestie Cleo, Spooky Pasta Sauce. 

A lot of great things happened this year and I can’t ignore that as much as I want to focus on everything I didn’t accomplish. 

Okay cool so can I just dump all the negative stuff out and get it out of the way? 

Even though my Insta grew, I know that compared to a lot of folks in my niche it didn’t grow as much as other people. I was really hoping to hit a certain goal and I didn’t as I watched others surpass that. I’m all about the data and to me, I’m not that impressed when I think of how much others have achieved and grown over the last 12 months (or less).

While reaching affiliate on Twitch was great I know my live views are still super low. Typically I’m in the single digits, sometimes streaming live to no one. I stayed to a strict schedule, stuck in a niche, did a lot of streamer guru tips but still I feel so stagnant.

And YouTube… ugh. I gave up on YouTube. Am I allowed to say that? Because yeah I did lol. 

I guess if anything this year I have learned the dichotomy of content creation where as the creator you make these things and toss them into the world that’s typically dictated by an algorithm. 

I guess for me it’s hard because I do these things wanting to connect with other gamers, not to appease an algorithm to show off what I’ve created. And I’ll be real real, this is a trap I fell into for probably most of the year not gonna lie of trying to figure out what works while still trying to be me which has kinda led me to believe that maybe I just don’t work in the rubric of the algorithm. 

And honestly, that might be true.

Guys can we be real honest here? Can I be super truthful? 

I think in a way I’m kind of tired of being a “content creator” or however you want to label this. When I created my Instagram I didn’t set out to be something. I just wanted to find friends who loved Animal Crossing New Horizon’s to play with since my bestie was pretty much over it lol. 

And while I’ve found “community”, I still haven’t really found a solid gamer group. I compare it to my husband. He has a group of friends who he can game with pretty much every night. There were times this year where I felt I did have that but that was a season of life that has come and gone to no one’s fault. That’s just how life is.

A year and a half later into all of this creator stuff and to be honest, I’ve never felt more isolated. 

To get a little bit more raw and personal on top of the feeling of isolation I don’t really like myself so I get it why people wouldn’t want to hang out with me. 

I hit my lowest point of COVID a few weeks ago. 

Wow this is actually kind of hard to write in a blog post. I think it’s because so far my blog has been explicitly about gaming content related topics and this is very personal. 

But I think I want to get more personal.

So I went to the doctor’s and during the check-in I weighed in at over 200 pounds. Not a massive shock as I’ve been trying to get out of 190s for most of 2022 without success despite working with a dietician and numerous times trying new things from exercise to diet change. Nothing stuck so I can’t be surprised with the results but I’m still super disappointed in myself.

I’ve been telling myself through COVID to not hit 200 pounds. I’m only 5’1” so I know it can’t be healthy despite none of my doctors directly telling me that.

I really let myself down because in my head I think eating and my weight is something I have control of. To be truthful this fall I’ve gone through a series of health issues and been on and off medication that historically made me gain weight so, logically it all adds up. 

But in my head, I let myself down since I should have had control but clearly do not have the self discipline. There is clearly something wrong with me.

So most of December has been a spiral. I had a whole plan of content that really got halted due to me needing time to sit and numb myself (aka scroll Instagram which only made it worse tbh). 

I’ve really been sitting with myself and these thoughts in my absence of blogging. It’s really hard to put out content when mentally I’m in a really bad state like this.

The only thing I’ve been able to keep up with is my Instagram thanks to Pokémon Violet which was the highlight of this season lol 10/10 recommend. And half of my stream schedule, I basically dropped Wednesdays because I just can’t be positive and peppy right now.

If you’re still reading this far thanks, this all sort of feels out of body but I’m gonna keep going.

So I’ve been in a major sulk mood for most of December. I let myself go through seasons like that then I eventually pick myself up.

This time instead of being really mean to myself I tried to give myself a little more compassion. Instead of focusing on weight loss, I’m focusing on health and wellness. So eating healthier foods to fuel my body and exorcising to build strength to do activities I want to.

Having that shift also made me look at other areas of my life which made me realize what I’ve already said, I don’t even like who I am right now.

I’m pretty obsessed with my online stuff. I literally work part-time, maybe even full-time hours for what? I’m not really sure because I’m not getting paid for the time I put in.

For a while it truly was like a passion project which made it worth it. But lately it feels more like a grind and I don’t like that. 

I don’t like constantly feeling like my content sucks after spending hours of work into it. And idk maybe it does suck? I mean it can’t all suck because there are the few things that do well. But even when something does relatively well, I don’t really celebrate it because there’s something it didn’t do. 

I think this mindset is pretty toxic and I personally want out.

So I’ll be taking a break soon. I think Instagram isn’t a good place for my mental well being at the moment. And honestly, neither is Twitch. 

I definitely don’t want to just give up on everything. I feel like I’ve put in a lot of work to build up what’s there. And at the core, I really do enjoy creating and sharing it just has to come from a genuine place of wanting to do that.

I don’t want to move forward with this kind of mentality or jump back in doing the same things because it’ll be just a matter of time before I fall back into this rut.

I really want to start off the new year with low to no stress. 

I want to work on improving my mental health and outlook on life.

I want to work on accepting myself and loving myself the way I try to for my friends because honestly, I am not kind to myself and that probably matters the most. 

So I’ll be signing off to fix myself in threeish weeks. Lol just joking I know that’s not how it works. But I’m going to start putting a foot towards the direction I want to be in and figure out the person I want to be.

I’m someone who’s always reinventing themselves so this isn’t a surprise. I just hope this time I can do it for the better and keep up with it because being in the place I’m at right now really sucks.

I’ve been going back and forth on wanting to share this part of me. For a while I thought maybe I need to create a new blog/account to document this journey and find people interested in that. 

When I really think about that, managing another social media sounds exhausting and is just a flat out a no for me. 

I know all of the internet says to niche down but I’m a multifaceted human, not a niche. 

So maybe I’m just ruining everything I worked towards lol but it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t stay true to who I am which is an oversharer to the end. Haha that’s why I started this blog, so I could rant with endless word count on whatever I wanted to talk about.

I’m not exactly sure what this will all look like in the new year but it’s something I’ll be figuring out while I take a short hiatus. I definitely want to finish my Get Into Gaming series so if you’re here for that, no fear! That will absolutely be finished as that was my number two reason for starting this blog. 

But I really want to focus on me in 2023. I want to level up in life and I want to share that for others who are interested in that side of my journey or on a similar journey themselves. 

So we’ll see what I end up deciding. I just know I really wanted to write this so thanks for reading and catching up with me.

Wishing you a happy holidays and healthy new years!

See ya in 2023.

To new chapters,
Momo